literature

Paradise

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Literature Text

Paradise



Sometimes it feels like the things we do is never enough. We can try so hard and all we get is disappointment. Then we could do nothing at all and get depression. Failure scares the shit out of me. Failure means defeat….but there's still that glimpse of "what if?" that keeps driving me. You know what? That image that I see is the only reason why I'm still alive. I want to see it with my own eyes and know that I made this possible.

Its so cliché for me to like Wolf's Rain, being a wolf person and all, but really, I really-really LOVE Wolf's Rain. It's the idea of paradise and the analogies it stands for. That series really related to me. Not the events really, but the emotions. Kiba is probably my most favorite of characters just for the way he thinks. He can become belligerent and arrogant but there's that side to him you don't quite understand but you can't help to feel it. It's not when he is just casually speaking but when he is being serious it's like something takes over him and speaks through him. You can't help but to listen because you know deep down, its truth.

The image of paradise is unknown to all and some people just forget about it saying it's a silly fantasy that only children believe. But there are those that can not let go of that fantasy. It would feel wrong and corroding. They would no longer have anything to hold on to so they would lose faith in the world, to themselves, to their gods, and to their soul and they would die. They have to believe in order to survive.

Taking the analogy a bit further, what about anything you want to accomplish but seems daunting in complexity from opposition to singularity? It's easy to disperse from such fantasies or illusions, as some would call them.

I don't know what drives me and I don't know what paradise looks like either. I just feel it constantly, this nagging force that renders me asunder if I do not heed its voice. I must do the things it tells me for my heart sighs to its words. The faint whispers in the quiet that tell me "make your way to paradise". But what is paradise? Can you tell me? And all I hear is silence.

But in spite of not knowing, I must find it. I must see it for myself with my own two eyes and know then, it was not fantasy – it's real.

I want to help the wolves, I always have. I've acted upon that at most every opportunity I've got. The ones I did not, I regretted. At this particular time in my life and the time of the world I've found myself feeling this again. Ken Salazar's delisting of wolves from the endangered species list has driven me mad and I must do something for if I don't I will be failing myself, my beliefs, and my worth as a living creature in this world.

I've got this glimpse of accomplishment that drives me through all the opposition and the feeling of being so minuscule that I can not affect something as large as it. But I must try. I have to. Do you understand that? If I fail, sure - I will be angry but I will know I gave it my all and I stood up for what I believe in. I did not do it for any amount of money or greed. I stood up because I have to listen to my heart. I did it for the wealth of my heart and the wealth of the things it loves.  I'm going to try to bring that piece of paradise here no matter what the costs.

It may not be a physical voice calling out to me, but I will not deny its presence. It's the voice telling us what we should do. There's a song by the band Flaw called What I Have to Do. In the chorus is this verse, "Only a few of us go in the right direction, even Though we're singled out. It's the only thing that keeps me alive. I do what I have to do." Everyone knows what to do, but few of us actually do it. This is the voice I'm speaking of. It's the voice that tells us to be all that we can be and make a beneficial impact on our environment. How can such a voice be wrong? It's not wrong at all. In fact, you know without a doubt its right, most of us are just too afraid of getting set up for failure.

If you tried, you did not fail. No matter what, you can't fail because you learned something new. There's a lot of things in my past that were very-very uncomfortable and some of them totally disturbing for me to remember. But they happened and I am glad they did because I would not be the person I am today had I not experienced them. I didn't fail though I may have thought so at the time. I succeeded and I am alive. Being alive is already enough success on its own for my life.

I write about self-help stuff a lot because of the past I've led. Things I still think about today that affect me. Remorse, regret, depression, anger, these are a few of the things I have to deal with on a daily basis. It's just got much easier to deal with them now from previous experience. I tried to take my own life on a few occasions. The last time was about four years ago about a month before I went out to Mission:Wolf in Colorado. I said on that day, "Today is the day where I make a decision. I am to take my own life now or never attempt it again." I practiced pulling the trigger of an unloaded 9mm against my head before I loaded it but once it was loaded, I couldn't do it. Was that failure or success?

I am alive because of the things I want to see in the world. I'm alive because I care to be. I'm going to try to be everything I've always dreamed to be. That's why I started working with the wolves, because I said I wanted to at a much younger age. It just took that last experience with an attempted suicide to steer me down the path I've always known I should have been walking. So promises me something, don't you ever stop searching for paradise. You've got what it takes…

~Wolf
I thought this should be submitted as Literature instead of a Journal Entry. Photo image, "Wolf's View" (c) Me! [link]
Enjoy =)
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PurgedOfSin's avatar
The truth is, I've never seen Wolf's Rain, however, I've heard a lot about it. I've heard that the subliminal messages are very important, and have changed the lives of quite a few people. I see, once more, that it has given someone else in the world a huge impact. Do you think I should watch it?

More on topic to the piece you've submitted, though - I think it's a great piece, even if it is mostly just releasing inhibition. I really like the subject matter of this piece. Even within what you have written, there are messages that we all could learn from.

I loved how you used the example of putting an unloaded gun to your head, but upon putting a loaded one in it's place you were unable to fire. It's a double-edged blade; it was both a failure and a success, as you queried. The main goal was a failure, but is it not true that you discovered through this failure that life means too much to throw away, thus making it a success in gaining knowledge?

I, too, have felt fear of failure. All of us have, at one point in our lives. But what you say is true - only a few people actually step out on a limb and go for it, failure be damned. I'm not good enough to say that I have done this, however; I am still cowardice to failure. Yet, you're right by saying the voice can't be wrong - if it comes from inside of us, there is no way it can be wrong. Perhaps it isn't the voice of God if it comes from inside our hearts, but it is the voice of something greater than ourselves.

But, I feel I have said too much by now, so I will wrap this up without saying all I have to say on this - it would be far too long if I continued through the whole way. Thank you for posting this, for I have definitely learned a thing or two about this 'paradise' theory... and I don't think it is something I will be forgetting anytime soon.

xxx Purged of Sin